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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 22, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (cheers and applause) (eagle caw) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause)
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ladies and gentlemen, it's good to have you with us! i don't know if all y'all have been checking the news lately. i assume you have some information before you come into the building. the fact of the matter is, folks, the 1/2 continues -- (siren) (alarm) nation, this is a colbert alert! this is not a drill! i have just been handed a piece of paper. is this paper? yes, it is. let's see, this just in! it is the first day of fall! can we confirm that? and we can. yes, fall, a time for cherished traditions. unpacking the sweaters, buying that first pumpkin spice latae, remembering we're still at war with afghanistan. (laughter)
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that's why you've had a string tied around your spinninger for 13 years. and now, this war has reached our shores. >> the f.b.i. is searching for three soldiers from afghanistan missing in massachusetts. the soldiers had been training at a military base on cape cod. >> stephen: folks, i don't know why we're training afghan soldiers in cape cod. are yachting skills that useful in a landlocked country? (laughter) and they won't get very far down the khyber pass in pink pants with whales on them. (laughter) but the most alarming news of all is where we lost these guys. >> they were last seen at a local shopping mall. >> concern growing with every hour that these three are missing. >> stephen: so, shoppers, be on the lookout. memorize these faces! (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: the guy on the end. i don't like that guy on the end. he's got a -- and chances are they're still in
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the mall. withdrawing from afghanistan has nothing on the quagmire of an american mall. (laughter) filled with lost souls, wandering between kiosks, living off g.n.c. supplements and hot pretzel smell, never to forget the horrors they witnessed at pottery barn. (laughter) who buys a cage for their plant?! it's not going anywhere. and those mall maps will be useless in tracking them down. don't tell me where "i" am! where are "they"? what's this? i'm being handed a sbarro's box. it says the missing afghan troops were daughter earlier today attempting to cross the canadian border and will likely be sent back to afghanistan. thank god. (laughter) (applause) the only remaining danger is if they were radicalized during
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their time at yankee candle. i mean, 20 bucks for a bahama breeze pillar jar? seriously. "death to america!" (laughter) you know what? i'm -- (cheers and applause) i think i'm going to read the rest of that later. (laughter) nation, a wise man once said... (laughter) (bleep) keep going! this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. first up, yesterday the enviro-mental patients came out of their yurts to protest global warming in a place synonymous with nature -- midtown manhattan. >> an estimated 300,000 people marched through the streets of manhattan for hours today for action to combat climate change.
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>> this was the largest climate protest in history. >> stephen: yes, hundreds of thousands of people lined the streets of new york for climate change. or were in line for the new phone. (laughter) the event was packed with lefty celebrities like sting, mark ruffalo, and leonardo dicaprio. you'd think he'd be "for" icebergs melting. (laughter) i guess he didn't love rose that much after all. also in attendance, thousands of angry commuters. >> the march shut down major city arteries for most of the day, snarling traffic into the evening. >> motorists trying to make it down the west side were stranded for hours. >> i sat in traffic for two hours. >> i got so angry and enraged. you know when you get crazy? >> stephen: you hear that, greenies? you lost hoda! and as goes hoda, so goes the nation. (laughter)
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i'm not sure which nation. i'm gonna say the one that produces the most merlot. (laughter) so i'm giving a tip of the hat -- why don't i drink wine during my show? that's what i want to know. (laughter) so i'm giving a tip of the hat to climate change marchers for making thousands of cars burn two extra hours of gas. (cheers and applause) now, i was not able to be there this weekend. i would like to have been, but i didn't want to. (laughter) i still showed solidarity with the trapped motorists by keeping my car running all weekend. of course, i didn't want to anger my liberal neighbors, so i kept the garage door closed. i gotta say, the weekend just flew by! and i met the nicest emt crew. next up, folks, it's hard to remember a time when the nation was more divided.
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even during the civil war, at least both sides agreed on ironic facial hair. these days, things in washington are so hostile that, according to the brookings institute, "fully 75% of salient national issues are gridlocked in congress ." which explains why the only bipartisan bill to pass this year was "h.r. 594 eat a bag of dicks." (laughter) (applause) but two senators have taken a bold step to end the gridlock. >> reality shows just might be the answer to finding more bipartisanship on capitol hill. at least that's the hope of two u.s. senators. new mexico democrat martin heinrich and arizona republican jeff flake spent a week together on a remote island for a new realty show. it's called "rival survival." >> stephen: yes, "rival survival"! it combines the exotic locales of the amazing race, the voyeuristic thrill of "big
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brother" and the racial diversity of the bachelor. (laughter) so i want to give a tip of the hat to these senators for proving republicans and democrats "can" work together. all it takes is the threat of death. (laughter) jim? >> as we arrived, certainly didn't have either the conditions to create a fire or the time and really had to focus on the most pressing needs which was finding something to drink and making sure we had a shelter because it was probably going to rain through the night. we found a coconut grove. just thousands and thousands of coconuts. that's a lot of coconut water which was a lifesaver today. we really needed that. >> stephen: thank god they found those coconuts. how would they possibly find water in the middle of a driving rainstorm? (laughter) (applause)
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so it's no surprise discovery has gone all in and committed them to a full one episode. (laughter) but congress can't stop here. they can come together to produce more realty tv. i say ditch john boehner, make the speaker of the house jeff probst. instead of boring legislation, every morning he'll pass out challenges like block the farm bill or you have to eat a bug. (laughter) mitch mcconnell gets immunity because his diet is already crickets. (laughter) but even if we didn't turn congress into a televised lord of the flies, there's still one thing that congress can agree on. >> the house just voted in a rare bipartisan vote to support the president's plan to train the moderate syrian opposition. >> the senate went along with the house, approving president obama's plan. >> a rare vote of bipartisan approval. >> a rare show of bipartisan support. >> we certainly welcome the
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bipartisan show of support from congress, that is a phenomenon too rare these days. >> when it comes to america's national security, america is united. >> stephen: yes, americans have put aside our differences and come together for a greater cause -- giving deadly weapons to people on the other side of the world that we know nothing about. (applause) all i'm saying is "give war a chance." (laughter) and i'm not the only one. >> america is ready to be america again. that should be the solution. we're tired of being black american, gay american, hispanic-american. let's just be americans again. we've got these people we have to kill. (laughter) >> stephen: g-gut is just echoing the immortal words of dr. king, "i have been to the mountaintop, and it would be a great place to launch an attack. you've got the higher ground ." we'll be right back.
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♪ feel it in your heart, feel it in your soul, let the music take control, ♪ karamu. new bud light lime apple-ahhh-rita fiesta forever.
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i'm the gas service supervisor my nhere in sonoma county.ez. we moved up here 35 years ago and we just love it up here, it's a fantastic place to live. our function is customer support - making sure that our customers are safe and that's the most important thing.
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we know we are part of a huge company but sonoma county is our home. sonoma county is our pg&e. it makes me feel that what we're doing really means something in the community and it's just a great, great feeling. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much! folks, as a conservative pundit, it's my responsibility to carefully weigh the facts and
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objectively determine how our president is wrong. and when it comes to analyzing what's going on in skull force one, my hero has always been fox news contributor and former harvard-trained psychiatrist, charles krauthammer, who recently enriched our public debate on the hugh hewitt show. >> i know you've said before you no longer practice psychiatry. you've given that up. but i want to tempt you to do a little armchair diagnosis here. what do you think is his mental state? >> look, i have foresworn psychiatry simply because you really can't do it at a distance. so i decided, when i left psychiatry, never to use my authority. >> stephen: good for him. he was sworn not to use his psychiatric authority. so i guess this interview's over. >> but let me just say as a layman, without invoking any expertise, obama is clearly a narcissist. >> stephen: obama is clearly a narcissist. still haven't seen that birth certificate.
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he could easily be from narcissistan. of course, being a narcissist is not necessarily a bad thing. in fact, when you look up narcissist in the dictionary, it's right next to a picture of me. (cheers and applause) and, yes, i've pasted my photo next to "every" word in my dictionary. but what can i say? i'm a bit of an aardvark. and krauthammer is willing to back up his non-diagnosis with non-data. >> i mean, count the number of times he uses the word "i" in any speech. remember when he announced the killing of bin laden? that speech, i believe, had 29 references to "i." on my command, i ordered, as commander-in-chief, i was then told, i this. >> stephen: yes, obama is obsessed with saying "i."
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can't he find a better way to refer to himself? "me "can. and remember the high math that count krautula did for us - >> that speech had, i believe, 29 references to "i." >> stephen: those numbers don't lie. though, evidently he does. because i've read the speech and barack obama used the word "i" eleven times in his bin laden speech, not 29, as compared to krauthammer, who said "i" 36 times in that interview. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, folks, for the record, i have foresworn my psychiatric authority because i never had any and, to be clear, i am not claiming any insight or training or interest in human behavior, but in my layman's opinion, as if i were raised by wolves, i just want to say a former psychiatrist willing to give an on-air diagnosis of a stranger,
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while at the same time claiming he isn't doing that, is not a narcissist, he's just kind of a dick. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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good chicken, isn't it? uh-huh mhm really good yep! do you like it? mhm remember the taste of kfc original recipe? it's really good. uh-huh so will they.
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when you put your name on something, it means something. for over 140 years, coors banquet's been brewed in one place... with pure rocky mountain water and the best high country barley. and someone with the name "coors" still tastes our beer every week. making sure it tastes as good today as it did in 1873. that's something we're proud to put our name on. coors. the banquet beer. >> stephen: hey, welcome back,
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everybody! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: my guest tonight has made a new album with his son on drums. man, that's a hell of a family chore wheel. please welcome jeff and spencer tweedy! (cheers and applause) ♪ hey, spencer! nice to meet you! jeff, good to see you again. gentlemen, thank you so much for giving us a monochromatic piece. the two of you have formed a new group called tweedy, the first album, "sukierae." >> yes. >> stephen: comes out tomorrow. spencer, is it hard growing up with a dad who is a musician,
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did you ever turn to him and say, please, just khakis and a tie once? >> no, i've always dug it. >> stephen: dig it. dig it, dad. >> i have a lot of fun. in kindergarten, i had a good time telling all the kids my dad was a rock star, and nowadays i'm a little more low key about it. >> stephen: did they believe you? >> yeah. it really started happening when i would go to school and kids would come up and say, my parents really like your daddy's music. and once, like, on the playground, other kids started talking to me about it. i was, like, this is pretty cool. >> stephen: do you think the two of you could take billy ray and miley cyrus in a fight? >> absolutely not. not a chance. >> stephen: no? no, i wouldn't want to get in
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that. >> stephen: yeah. (laughter) is this a strict sort of band-mate relationship, or is it father-son -- do you have to say, don't make me pull this tour bus over? come back here, young man? (laughter) >> no, my wife and i always joke that he's the most mature person in the family, and that's because he had better parents than we did. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, according to one of your dad's songs, the girls really go for the heavy metal drummers, you know, on the landle in the summer. have you ever thought about playing heavy metal? >> well, not so much. i mean, i might borrow a few drum techniques from drumming in the heavy metal world but i'll
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stick to folk in our nice low-key rock. >> stephen: the name of the song tonight is low-key. we'll get to it. >> you should show everybody that picture of him right there. >> stephen: this is an extraordinary picture of your father. >> not that one. >> stephen: there we go. (laughter) is this what you were wearing when you met his mother? >> probably. (laughter) >> stephen: well, that's it. jeff and spencer, thank you so much. the band is tweedy, the album is "sukierae." we'll be back with a performance we'll be back with a performance by (door bell rings)
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trick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! applebee's let the fans put thefamous 2 for $20 menu.the why did i put the bourbon street chicken and shrimp on applebee's 2 for $20 menu? because it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. hi. oh, happy birthday. applebee's. where fans know best.
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what does an apron have to do with car insurance? every time you tie on an apron, you make progress. and we like that. because progress is what we make, too. i'm a troubleman in san francisco.lopez. i've been with the company for 29 years. a troubleman restores and troubleshoots electrical issues, getting customers power back on. we're 24/7, 365 days a year. i love my job. going up in the bucket and seeing all of san francisco
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is an exhilarating feeling. i was born and raised in san francisco. this is where i live and there's a sense of pride in providing great power to our customers. when i go out there, flip the switch and get their power back on, there's a great sense of satisfaction. >> stephen: here with a song off their new album "sukierae," ladies and gentlemen, tweedy. (applause)
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♪ ♪ i want to let it be known ♪ ever since i was young ♪ i've always been a refugee ♪ of the very high strung ♪ i've always been low key ♪ let's let the record show ♪ no, i won't jump for joy ♪ i don't ♪ if i get excited ♪ nobody's knows (nobody knows) ♪ aahh (ahhh) ♪ but i'm going love you the same ♪ i'll always be your fool ♪ and when it looks like i don't care ♪ i'm just playing it cool
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♪ no, i won't jump for joy ♪ i don't ♪ if i get excited ♪ no one will know (no one will know) ♪ aaah (aaah) ♪ i've always been low key ♪ you know me ♪ ♪ ♪ i've always been low key ♪ you know me
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♪ no, i won't jump for joy ♪ i don't ♪ if i get excited ♪ nobody knows (nobody knows) ♪ aaah (aaah) ♪ i'm gonna love you the same ♪ i'll always be your fool ♪ and when it looks like i don't care ♪ i'm just playing it cool ♪ no, i won't jump for joy ♪ i don't ♪ when i get excited ♪ nobody knows ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tweedy. the album is "sukierae"!
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good night, everybody! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) it's 11:5s this happened on charlo green is a news reporter in anchorage who happened to be an owner of cannabis, alaska cannabis club and yes her real last name is green. >> filling in for mary jane dank-nugz. >> she recently filed a report on alaska's fight to legalize marijuana. let's take a look. >> and i quit this job. well, not that i have a choice, but (bleep) it. i quit. >> we apologize for that. w


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